what I'm thankful for

a. pumpkin spice soy candles
b. DVRs
c. a cappella choral music
d. 45-degree weather
e. sargento 1/3 reduced fat pepperjack cheese
f. an all-female, super-clean and uncrowded gym
g. mani-pedis
h. leave-in conditioner
i. target dollar bins
j. vera bradley planners
k. reusable grocery bags
l. grande starbucks decaf americano
m. scarves and vests
n. chris tomlin's christmas cd
o. students who come to class with energy and a sense of humor
p. a husband who washes the dishes
q. friends who get me
r. days off in nothing but pj pants and an oversized sweatshirt
s. this website: http://www.aholyexperience.com/
t. Chaps jeans
u. Kohls cash
v. Burt's Bees pomegranate chapstick
w. coconut lotion
x. slipper socks
y. the Angel Tree project
z. a God who is bigger than I'll ever know yet knows me personally

heartwarming.

It makes me smile when, upon looking at "status updates" on facebook, I see my students quoting their chorus music in their profiles.

love.

don't fight these hands that are holding you.

I don't have a relationship with my father. It's doubtful I'll ever have the kind of relationship with him that every girl needs and desires from her dad.

I grieve this sad reality. It comes in waves. Every new experience, new phase of life, without him in my life, breaks my heart all over again: getting a new job, buying our first house, having our first child... though it's the little, everyday missing him that gets to me. My grief will never be final. And that's ok. I don't apologize for going through the sadness, the anger, over and over again.

But I'm healing. And growing. And in the last few weeks my heart has been transformed. It started with a quiet voice. And then a hug from someone. A weekend of witnessing two great dads in action. And then a song.

The voice. Somewhere deep in my subconscious an argument took place. "Why can't I be your Father?" "I can't see you - it's not the same." "Won't you try to let Me?" "You won't be able to fill that void."

The hug. My father-in-law gets the biggest smile on his face whenever he sees me and always says, "Love you, Lissie." He is always there, always interested, and one of the kindest men I know. "You should see that I've given you someone to help heal the wound..."

The weekend wedding. A friend's phone conversation with her dad made me ache and go through yet another wave of grief. The father of the groom gave a speech so powerful and precious, reflecting the gratitude he had for the privilege of raising such a son. A beautiful reminder of how our Heavenly Father feels about His children.

The song: By Your Side (Tenth Avenue North)

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

(This video features the band and the Billy Graham Rapid Response Team - puts in perspective my woes, too!)


I don't like to overdramatize or emotionalize things - but I had a "moment" when I heard this song. I have been searching like He's not enough. But He is.

Life is still screwed up sometimes. I will still hurt. But I won't fight those Hands anymore.

i think I'll come out even in the end...

~ asked to start a fledgling choral program = 1 hour of freak out time
~ getting the official word 3 days before school starts = 2 hours freak out time
~ not knowing the budget or number of students = 4 hours freak out time
~ not having a designated teaching space = 7 hours freak out time
~ not sure how hard I'll have to fight for my salary = 12 hours freak out time
~ not knowing all of this the day of my first class = 48 hours freak out time


getting to design my own choral program for a private school? Priceless.

adirondack adventures

Spent a week in Speculator in the heart of the Adirondack mountains. Lots of family, many friends, and a busy week it was.

Weird to be in an environment as a vacationer instead of an employee. Weird to go through the feelings associated with saying goodbye to a way I did summer for seven years. Good to embrace transition and moving into a new phase of life. Difficult to spend such fleeting time with family. Healing to talk to a friend about the journey through life. Fun to do things like the climbing wall, campo, and camp fires and game nights. Awe-inspiring to witness a meteor shower.

I now know what it feels like to need a vacation from vacation.

Done with summer musical theater workshop. Was busy, exhausting, but quite rewarding. Now, onto summer.

Pirates game? check.
Sleeping in? does 8 am count? No? okay, will work on that.
Kennywood? in two weeks.
COTW? leaving Thursday!
vaca on Seabrook Island, SC? in 3 weeks!
sitting on my butt doing nothing but watching reruns of law and order? definitely check.

hair appt today, maybe some major cleaning of the house, and lots of iced coffee.

release

I had to speak my piece today. It's my job - being in a "position of influence." I had a responsibility to give another perspective (the right one, in my opinion).

My "piece" was rejected today. Dismissed as not true, not relevant, and, in my opinion, not even considered.

My job was not to change anyone's mind. My job was to not freak out when the path I suggested was not chosen.

This was not an easy job. It's never an easy job. I got all twisted up inside because I felt there was some really incorrect thinking happening, and I felt powerless to stop it.

But in the end, it wasn't my responsibility to change the perspective of the person in question, nor to change their actions.

I don't often have this problem. But when it does happen I realize how deep my need for control is, and how little control over things I actually have.

I still feel like I want to punch something or drop a tv set from my roof, but I'm mentally letting go. I hope my heart follows soon.

in my own little corner

Having a great deal of work to do on my Alice script, as well as needing some vitamin D, I decided to retreat to the side lawn near our home...

...it still sucks to work on my one day off, but I was able to steal a few moments of sunny relaxation this afternoon.

what I wish

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.

- attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

the morning routine

So, on the mornings Chad and I wake up before it gets too hot or too muggy, we go for a 2.5 mile jog around Mt. Lebanon. It has a quaint, homey and boutique-y downtown area that we enjoy passing through. You can smell the biscotti being made in the bakery on the corner, the coffee being brewed by the two mom & pop coffee shops, see the local dentist office turning on its lights and the small music store putting its clearance rack of old guitar books out on the sidewalk and propping the door open. It makes me feel at home.

My favorite part? Seeing the water bowls the shop owners set out for the many dogs that get walked during the day. That makes me smile.

here's to summer

I'm about to encounter my first Pittsburgh summer. Here comes the heat and humidity!

I'm doing a bit of traveling this summer: CT, Dallas, NY, SC.

I'm working six days a week at a summer theater workshop, directing one show and vocal directing another.

I'm going to visit all of these Pittsburgh classics: Kennywood, support the CLO and see lots of shows, The Science Center, The Pittsburgh Zoo, the aviary, a Pirates Game, and Ohiopyle.

The last seven summers were foundational. If it weren't for that place I would never have met and married my husband, grown as a person or as a professional musician.

But it's time. Bring on some more new beginnings.

it's the little things...

Yesterday, I was on the couch in the living room, doing some work on my laptop. I left the room for a little while and when I returned, I noticed my screen saver had turned on, but it was different than the default one I usually see.

Chad had changed the screen saver to a text block that swirled around and said, "I love you, Elissa!"

Even though he's a goof, really stubborn and sometimes leaves his socks on the floor, it's those unexpected, heart-warming surprises that remind me what an awesome guy I married.

:)

I came. I had to go. I squatted.

So I'm having this amazing time in Beijing. Lots to say. No time to write all that I want to write. No worries though: I'm doing lots of journaling! (obviously "journaling" is not a word because it's showing up red on here)

But a quick story.

As you know from my previous posting, I was really afraid of the whole squat and pee/poop situation. I was told that because I was going to downtown Beijing in a nice fancy hotel I wouldn't have to worry about it. They were right.

However, we traveled 3 hours north of Beijing on Wednesday to visit a remote area of the Great Wall. After trekking through desolate villages (and my bladder starting to become uncomfortably full from the water and coffee I was drinking) I began to hyperventilate, anticipating the inevitable 'squat-n-pee' I was bound to endure.

Needless to say, before making the climb toward the great wall, I went to the room marked "toilet" and there it was: my nemesis... the hole in the bottom of the floor. With shaking limbs I got into position, hanging onto the door with my fingers for dear life (fearing my balance was off and I'd fall back INTO the hole) and did the deed. I then proceeded to use about 40 baby wipes (they don't have toilet paper) on any part of me capable of receiving "sprayage," zipped up and went outside. There was a sign on the toilet that said "please save water" so I assume they meant that unless it's number two you aren't supposed to flush... I flushed anyway. Who wants to pee on top of pee?

So I did it. I faced a fear and I overcame it. Or at least squatted on it.

into the woods

So... since working on Into the Woods, I've been contemplating my fears...

Going "into the woods" is a metaphor for facing your fears in life, getting what you "wish," etc. The writing is superb and full of depth, the music (Sondheim) challenging and fun... go see it somewhere. Every high school is attempting it.

I'm the type of person who freaks out about stuff... and if I start thinking about one fear, I start thinking about all of them. And then I really freak out.

So I put my fears in categories so as to relieve some of the overwhelming feelings I get. Here's an example:

Small fears:
- in my rush in getting ready to leave the house, putting on two mis-matched shoes. (this is especially probable because I have some shoes in the exact style in black and brown)
- locking my keys and cell phone in the car at the same time, therefore giving me no way to call a tow truck.
- worrying that my gums will recede so much that I'll have teeth as big as julia roberts (and that would look really weird with my face)
- i get nervous every time I go to a restaurant that they won't have low calorie dressing available for my inevitable salad.

Medium fears:
- spiders or other creepy crawly things living in my house; seeing them, killing them, etc.
- that I am a lousy teacher
- falling when I run
- being so fat that I won't fit in an airline seat
- saying something without thinking to someone that hurts their feelings

Big fears:
I'm not going to trouble you with any of these. They are typical fears in the death and love categories.

Fear of the day:
The whole "bathroom" situation in China. I'm told in public places they have "the hole." No seats... lots of spray. I'm really freaking out about this. So much so that I went to walmart and bought 2 lbs. of baby wipes.
I want to know exactly what they look like, what I'll have to do, and how to do it over there. And I can't really practice here in the states. Unless it's outside. And I'm pretty sure I'll get arrested for that.

My fear cannot be conquered until I go there. So until then I am doing lots of visual therapy, deep breathing and praying that my bladder will become the size of a small swimming pool so I can hold it until I come back to the good ol' U. S. of A.

:)

the chaos cumulates...

So here's the rundown:
- 2 days: I finish blocking two shows with 40 kids
- 3 days: first run through with middle schoolers who are at a very awkward age, are clumsy, feel embarrassed to "act" in any way and therefore will end up crying, sure that parents are going to want their money back
- 4 days: first run through with my 5&6 year olds in which I will be either assured that kids are wonderful or that I never want any of my own
- 5 days: weekend from hell in which I will endure 20 hours of rehearsal in 3 days... for 3 different shows
- 7 - 10 days: tech week: need I say any more?
- 11 days: move entire studio to remote theater venue, lose 4-11 props on the way there, commence in flipping out at people on whom my anxiety and frustration transfers in the form of screaming and crying
- 12 days: dress rehearsal (more crying), first show (hopefully less crying)
- 13 days: last show
- 14 days: leave at dawn for China.

mediocre reigns supreme

This Susan Boyle woman is the poster child for everything I hate about reality tv, the “get famous fast” mentality and the world's increasing desire to glorify the amateur and mediocrity instead of the educated and talented. It's not that dear lady's fault at all, really. It's us! Society, media, our culture, take your pick. Let me be clear: I have nothing against her and the reason I “don't get” all the hype is NOT because I'm a snob. I'd be the first in her fan club if she was actually good!

Side note: I think it's funny that everyone today is an expert on music. The general public start thinking they're experts because of shows like American Idol where they have the power to act on an uneducated opinion of what sounds good, instead of trusting experts and/or time honored ways of judging what quality music actually is. This is another subject all unto itself, and really isn't the main problem.

Mediocrity
We as a culture accept mediocrity for greatness, especially when a touching story or underdog is involved. We do not demand excellence and we value the tug on our heartstrings more than quality of sound. What the heck is going on with this nation glorifying the amateur? I get so upset about this! Is it now wrong to go out and spend and sacrifice the time and money in order to perfect your craft? What do you say to those who were once like Susan Boyle, were "decent" and had the desire and motivation to take their talent and make it more. Should they have just "buried" their talent instead if doing all of that work? That's what shows like Britain's Got Talent and American Idol say to me: “Don't try to improve on yourself. If you just sit around, one day you'll just get discovered and you'll never need to do any work to perfect your craft.” This is preposterous. What a slap in the face to the many who study, get the education, and push themselves to perfection.
Whatever happened to us saluting the ones at the top? I look at the colleagues I've been fortunate to work with for seven summers at COTW, many of whom have multiple degrees and have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to get a CHANCE to audition for a major symphony orchestra. Because the competition is so severe, even though these musicians may be highly qualified and talented, many of them will never get that dream job. This is the problem with the world today: instead of news stories about the person who has given time and treasure to have a chance at success, we have news stories about Flo the Nobody who just really isn't that impressive.

A Good Story
When you looked at her, you judged her by her looks and age. When I listened to her, I judged her by her musical talent, because that's what I am trained to do. I can separate the physicality, the circumstances, from the quality of voice. I saw an individual with mediocre musical talent. You saw a 47 year old virgin who had never been kissed. You chose to make her a victim. Why? That doesn't do her any favors.
Be honest with yourself. She's not that good. Her talent is not what amazed the judges. It was her charming story. Has this world stooped THAT low?? Everyone was in awe SIMPLY because they judged
her on her appearance and thought she would sound like complete poo! Instead, she was decent. Not great. Average.
Shame on them and the rest of our culture! For judging her like that! You (our culture) just CHEAPENED any talent she could of had for putting her looks and life situation into the balance. Because you were shallow and you pitied her! She has fame now because of how she looks! Is she supposed to be thankful for this kind of attention? This is good press? You laughed at and ridiculed her and now you're exaggerating her level of talent.
You secretly judged her and are now trying to ease your own conscience by singing her *average* praises.
If she had been as mind-blowing as YouTube fans and the crowd that night so desperately wished she was, then I would be jumping on the Susan Boyle bandwagon. I'm all for breaking down social stigmas and stereotypes. But don't fool someone into thinking they're better than they are... because of the good story. That's cruelty and victimization. Don't settle for decent when there is magnificence elsewhere. And let's cheer for those who have busted their butts, perfecting their art form for the pleasure of our ears in concert halls and coffee houses across this world.

Spring 09 - time for something new

So I'm bringing the blog back. It's Spring, 2009 and I feel like a new beginning is needed. I really think we should begin new years in the springtime. There's no motivation to plan new things, live life inspired when it's 10 degrees outside and snowing. I suppose that would only really matter to areas affected by that kind of weather in January, but still. Wouldn't we all have more motivation to stick to our resolutions if it was 75 and sunny and sometime in April?
So something new.

So - I've done some new things already this year. Nothing too dramatic for most, but for me it's pretty extreme. Things like, try to be friends with people in my town instead of be hermit-like and anti-social. Other things like choreograph a show. Can you really imagine me teaching moves to a song in a musical? I am. That's pretty extreme.

So - Another new thing: get a passport. And a visa to China and Taiwan. pretty cool stuff.

So here's to new things, new experiences and new(ish) blogs.