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Classic Brown 5x7 folded card

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Ambiguous and Random

I am most definitely a defensive, proactive, vocal and zippy driver... and that's probably putting it nicely.

I secretly love cheeseburgers... but will never order one on a menu.

It takes the knowledge of having company over to my home to make me dust the living room and wash the kitchen floor.

I am going through a time of some serious life reevaluation.

I get eight hours of sleep at night - no matter what.

I keep decorations up for the month of the holiday (except Christmas, two months= Dec & Jan).

I have to drink water with a straw.

The process of buying a house makes me feel like a little kid - the responsibility is overwhelming!

Subway sandwiches are my splurge foods.

More seriousness to come.

what I'm thankful for

a. pumpkin spice soy candles
b. DVRs
c. a cappella choral music
d. 45-degree weather
e. sargento 1/3 reduced fat pepperjack cheese
f. an all-female, super-clean and uncrowded gym
g. mani-pedis
h. leave-in conditioner
i. target dollar bins
j. vera bradley planners
k. reusable grocery bags
l. grande starbucks decaf americano
m. scarves and vests
n. chris tomlin's christmas cd
o. students who come to class with energy and a sense of humor
p. a husband who washes the dishes
q. friends who get me
r. days off in nothing but pj pants and an oversized sweatshirt
s. this website: http://www.aholyexperience.com/
t. Chaps jeans
u. Kohls cash
v. Burt's Bees pomegranate chapstick
w. coconut lotion
x. slipper socks
y. the Angel Tree project
z. a God who is bigger than I'll ever know yet knows me personally

heartwarming.

It makes me smile when, upon looking at "status updates" on facebook, I see my students quoting their chorus music in their profiles.

love.

don't fight these hands that are holding you.

I don't have a relationship with my father. It's doubtful I'll ever have the kind of relationship with him that every girl needs and desires from her dad.

I grieve this sad reality. It comes in waves. Every new experience, new phase of life, without him in my life, breaks my heart all over again: getting a new job, buying our first house, having our first child... though it's the little, everyday missing him that gets to me. My grief will never be final. And that's ok. I don't apologize for going through the sadness, the anger, over and over again.

But I'm healing. And growing. And in the last few weeks my heart has been transformed. It started with a quiet voice. And then a hug from someone. A weekend of witnessing two great dads in action. And then a song.

The voice. Somewhere deep in my subconscious an argument took place. "Why can't I be your Father?" "I can't see you - it's not the same." "Won't you try to let Me?" "You won't be able to fill that void."

The hug. My father-in-law gets the biggest smile on his face whenever he sees me and always says, "Love you, Lissie." He is always there, always interested, and one of the kindest men I know. "You should see that I've given you someone to help heal the wound..."

The weekend wedding. A friend's phone conversation with her dad made me ache and go through yet another wave of grief. The father of the groom gave a speech so powerful and precious, reflecting the gratitude he had for the privilege of raising such a son. A beautiful reminder of how our Heavenly Father feels about His children.

The song: By Your Side (Tenth Avenue North)

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

(This video features the band and the Billy Graham Rapid Response Team - puts in perspective my woes, too!)


I don't like to overdramatize or emotionalize things - but I had a "moment" when I heard this song. I have been searching like He's not enough. But He is.

Life is still screwed up sometimes. I will still hurt. But I won't fight those Hands anymore.

i think I'll come out even in the end...

~ asked to start a fledgling choral program = 1 hour of freak out time
~ getting the official word 3 days before school starts = 2 hours freak out time
~ not knowing the budget or number of students = 4 hours freak out time
~ not having a designated teaching space = 7 hours freak out time
~ not sure how hard I'll have to fight for my salary = 12 hours freak out time
~ not knowing all of this the day of my first class = 48 hours freak out time


getting to design my own choral program for a private school? Priceless.

adirondack adventures

Spent a week in Speculator in the heart of the Adirondack mountains. Lots of family, many friends, and a busy week it was.

Weird to be in an environment as a vacationer instead of an employee. Weird to go through the feelings associated with saying goodbye to a way I did summer for seven years. Good to embrace transition and moving into a new phase of life. Difficult to spend such fleeting time with family. Healing to talk to a friend about the journey through life. Fun to do things like the climbing wall, campo, and camp fires and game nights. Awe-inspiring to witness a meteor shower.

I now know what it feels like to need a vacation from vacation.