It makes me smile when, upon looking at "status updates" on facebook, I see my students quoting their chorus music in their profiles.
love.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
don't fight these hands that are holding you.
I don't have a relationship with my father. It's doubtful I'll ever have the kind of relationship with him that every girl needs and desires from her dad.
I grieve this sad reality. It comes in waves. Every new experience, new phase of life, without him in my life, breaks my heart all over again: getting a new job, buying our first house, having our first child... though it's the little, everyday missing him that gets to me. My grief will never be final. And that's ok. I don't apologize for going through the sadness, the anger, over and over again.
But I'm healing. And growing. And in the last few weeks my heart has been transformed. It started with a quiet voice. And then a hug from someone. A weekend of witnessing two great dads in action. And then a song.
The voice. Somewhere deep in my subconscious an argument took place. "Why can't I be your Father?" "I can't see you - it's not the same." "Won't you try to let Me?" "You won't be able to fill that void."
The hug. My father-in-law gets the biggest smile on his face whenever he sees me and always says, "Love you, Lissie." He is always there, always interested, and one of the kindest men I know. "You should see that I've given you someone to help heal the wound..."
The weekend wedding. A friend's phone conversation with her dad made me ache and go through yet another wave of grief. The father of the groom gave a speech so powerful and precious, reflecting the gratitude he had for the privilege of raising such a son. A beautiful reminder of how our Heavenly Father feels about His children.
I grieve this sad reality. It comes in waves. Every new experience, new phase of life, without him in my life, breaks my heart all over again: getting a new job, buying our first house, having our first child... though it's the little, everyday missing him that gets to me. My grief will never be final. And that's ok. I don't apologize for going through the sadness, the anger, over and over again.
But I'm healing. And growing. And in the last few weeks my heart has been transformed. It started with a quiet voice. And then a hug from someone. A weekend of witnessing two great dads in action. And then a song.
The voice. Somewhere deep in my subconscious an argument took place. "Why can't I be your Father?" "I can't see you - it's not the same." "Won't you try to let Me?" "You won't be able to fill that void."
The hug. My father-in-law gets the biggest smile on his face whenever he sees me and always says, "Love you, Lissie." He is always there, always interested, and one of the kindest men I know. "You should see that I've given you someone to help heal the wound..."
The weekend wedding. A friend's phone conversation with her dad made me ache and go through yet another wave of grief. The father of the groom gave a speech so powerful and precious, reflecting the gratitude he had for the privilege of raising such a son. A beautiful reminder of how our Heavenly Father feels about His children.
The song: By Your Side (Tenth Avenue North)
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
(This video features the band and the Billy Graham Rapid Response Team - puts in perspective my woes, too!)
I don't like to overdramatize or emotionalize things - but I had a "moment" when I heard this song. I have been searching like He's not enough. But He is.
Life is still screwed up sometimes. I will still hurt. But I won't fight those Hands anymore.
I don't like to overdramatize or emotionalize things - but I had a "moment" when I heard this song. I have been searching like He's not enough. But He is.
Life is still screwed up sometimes. I will still hurt. But I won't fight those Hands anymore.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
i think I'll come out even in the end...
~ asked to start a fledgling choral program = 1 hour of freak out time
~ getting the official word 3 days before school starts = 2 hours freak out time
~ not knowing the budget or number of students = 4 hours freak out time
~ not having a designated teaching space = 7 hours freak out time
~ not sure how hard I'll have to fight for my salary = 12 hours freak out time
~ not knowing all of this the day of my first class = 48 hours freak out time
getting to design my own choral program for a private school? Priceless.
~ getting the official word 3 days before school starts = 2 hours freak out time
~ not knowing the budget or number of students = 4 hours freak out time
~ not having a designated teaching space = 7 hours freak out time
~ not sure how hard I'll have to fight for my salary = 12 hours freak out time
~ not knowing all of this the day of my first class = 48 hours freak out time
getting to design my own choral program for a private school? Priceless.
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